ROBERT MUGABE FIRED!

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:44:00


Tambu Kahari


I am opening my new column with an executive action. Robert Gabriel Mugabe, employee no one of the people of Zimbabwe, you are fired! I believe the law is on my side.


The president of the Republic of Zimbabwe is an employee of the citizens of Zimbabwe. I am your employer.
You took an oath, in 1980 that you would work for every Zimbabwean citizen and as a citizen of Zimbabwe, I say your time is up and I have prepared your letter of dismissal.

I have a great deal of respect for you Mr. President. I revere you. You are a great man, an amazing man with vision and strength. You are a pride to your people. I will proceed to help you understand who I am.

I am the great, great, granddaughter of Seke himself, who was the younger brother of Harare himself. In other words, Harare is named after my great, great grandfather. Seke is my great, great grandfather. In fact, today we use Seke’s other name, Kahari as a surname.

I am the original Zimbabwean, there is no doubt. But, even if I were not an original Zimbabwean, I am a citizen of the Republic of Zimbabwe by birth; therefore, I am your boss.

I am not firing you for the past events. No sir, that is not it at all. For, as the boss, I take full responsibility for all the decisions that you made in my name.

I am guilty of every single thing that has been perpetrated to the people of Zimbabwe. I am guilty as sin. It is my fault, and every Zimbabwean citizen’s fault. Can you blame the fox if it runs away with the chicken? We should have guarded the coup.

No, I blame myself for being lax, lazy, and frightened. I had no vision and I didn’t forecast and that is why my poor country has come crushing about my ears with a resounding thud! I am homeless.

I am firing you Mr. President, because the requirements for the job of Executive President, Commander of the armed forces and the people’s servant have changed. Circumstances of the last few years have necessitated that the job requirements change to suit the new situation we are in.

The people of Zimbabwe are a dying breed, dear Sir. In another two hundred years, there will be no Zimbabweans, of any tribe, colour or hue. We will all be dead or scattered about the world. Our respective cultures will die with us.


Our lands will go to the Somalis, who have started coming to Zimbabwe, running away from their own chaos. I understand many South Koreans are looking at our country too. In two hundred years, Zimbabwe may be the land of “other people.”

Don’t laugh. This has happened to us before. Thousands of years ago, we lived in what is now called Egypt. We built those pyramids and Cleopatra was black.

We left and slowly disintegrated and now, lo and behold, the survivors of that exodus are now Zimbabweans. Cleopatra became an Arab and then in the movies, she became white. Just as the future Zimbabwean is going to be half Somali and half Korean. More power to her!

It is because of this and nothing else that the job requirements for President have changed. We have been fighting extinction and I am not sure if you have noticed Mr.

President, but we are losing the battle. It is time to change the employee. You just don’t have the necessary qualifications. You are a very educated man, and you are a revolutionary of distinction. But we need a business person. We need someone who looks at the bottom line, which is our very survival.

We need a unifier of those of us who are left. We need someone, white, black, Karanga, Zezuru, Manyika, Kore kore, male or female, it doesn’t matter, as long as that person will be able to whip us into action and drag us off our lazy arses and put us to work! Zimbabweans have become very lazy! To begin with, we were always lazy! We were always starving, until we were colonized.

Then we were whipped into shape and we reaped the benefits of it for years on end. The injustices were a great pity and they were ugly, but in order to move on, we will accept and acknowledge the past with humility and gratitude and move on. Now, once again, we need someone to put us in order and fight for our lives. You are not that person.

There are to many protests, too many angry and hungry people, too many people wasting energy begging the world and running away, like me, and that has to stop. We have to take responsibility for ourselves.

We have to stop squabbling uselessly and get to work. I have stopped running and will start with you Mr. President of the Republic of Zimbabwe, with all due respect Sir!

I agree with you Mr. President. If we are not careful, only donkeys will live in Zimbabwe. You are so right. Changes have to be made and they have to start at the top, with you.

As part of your severance, you can keep the house, the money, the private planes, the cars, the bodyguards and everything else that you have. It’s all yours. We owe you, for services rendered. But, you may not have our country’s future. And that is why you have to go.

I have several complaints, but I will only name what should’ve been solutions: Instead of opening fire on people when they riot, which of course is a waste of time and energy, why don’t you grab those people off the streets and take them to some farm and make them work 16 hours a day for food even at gunpoint! Instead of beating them and crippling them, put their energy to good use! A healthy person works more.

Why didn’t you take the money allocated to the military and diverted it to buying farm implements and supplies and then getting the people, no matter how rich they think they are to put a few hours of national service at a farm growing food?

Why do we have such a heavily equipped army? Who’s our enemy? Who dares to fight with us? We have proven ourselves to our neighbours. They know what we can do. In fact, we don’t need an army. We need food, and money for food.

Instead of wasting money and time indoctrinating the people about ZANU PF and its greatness, which is also a waste of time, why don’t you take all that money, plough it into agriculture? And by the way, Zimbabweans can’t be easily brainwashed.

It took the missionaries 100 years to get one Christian convert. How long do you think it will take to indoctrinate one person on the goodness of the government of the day? NEVER!

Instead of women having, “Dignity. Period,” campaigns and humiliating us all collectively, why don’t you drag those women out of their offices, out of their high heels, dump them on a farm for 16 hours a day and then they can work for their “Dignity. Period.”

There is dignity in working ladies? Go out into the fields and grow some cotton! As a matter of fact, why don’t you just get me and throw me on a farm?

Instead of wasting money and time, “talking, talking” we could all be working to live. The world has no pity for lazy people. And you Mr. President have failed to fire up the people to get back into the fields and work for themselves.

When we are all dead, who will you rule? Hey, you future aspiring leaders, when there are no more Zimbabweans to make you rich and powerful, what will you do? I am talking to you Morgan Tsvangirai, but I will get back to you. You also don’t qualify to be our servant.

The world doesn’t owe us anything. Solutions have to come from us. The work has to come from us. Come back from Iran! What are you doing in Iran? You should be leading by example.

Your hands should be dirty from growing maize. A people who cannot feed themselves have no right to exist. It is the law of the world. Civilizations are built on food and crumble because of food. Zimbabweans are dying because they are lazy and you have allowed it to happen.

Zimbabweans have become tribalists and racists because the resources for survival have shrunk. The people fight for resources. Observe, the future citizens of Zimbabwe, the Somali. They have a reputation of being extremely lazy.

They have never, ever, grown any food with their own hands. Finally, it caught up with them and they turned on one another. It was hunger. And now, the Somalis are almost eradicated. They are becoming citizens of Zimbabwe as we speak.

That is what the future has in store for us, if we don’t change direction.

Your entire executive is also fired! They can keep their money, their properties and they can live in Zimbabwe in peace and harmony, like Ian Smith.

As long as you let us get on with the business of building our country from scratch. It is time for the best person for the job to be chosen, regardless of race, colour or creed. Applications are now open for the position of Executive President of the Republic of Zimbabwe.

Yes, you probably want to shoot me, but it will do you no good! Destiny is holding a gun to my head already. I am dying with my people. I have nothing to lose. And you are still fired. Thank you for your years of service. Moving On!

Next week, the women of “Dignity. Period.” We have to talk.